Written by Lauren Turnbull, LMFT 86017

Conflict is a crucial and valuable part of being in a relationship. Contrary to popular belief, conflict at its base is not something to be avoided or perceived as “bad”. It really means that you care enough about another person to let them learn about you more deeply and desire a shared understanding of your experiences/thoughts/beliefs.

In reality, the absence of conflict is actually a result of indifference. Indifference about the other person, the relationship, if you share your world with them and how they receive it. Keep in mind not all conflict is created equal; HOW you have conflict is what matters. There are various conflict blueprints, but my preferred one is the Gottman Method which creates a step-by-step model for conflict that fosters connection.

Often people are stuck in conflict cycles where each partner tries to vindicate their point of view. The cycle only escalates and intensifies when they choose to criticize, rather than understand, their partner’s perspective. This pattern ultimately leads to both partners feeling frustrated, disconnected, and rejected. The Gottman Method highlights four communication patterns (criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, and contempt) often present in this type of conflict cycle that lead to dissatisfaction with an outcome. In a separate post (called Outcomes of Communication) I discuss the four communication types to avoid, but here I really want to focus on why I think conflict, when done well, can be so helpful in a relationship.

It is helpful to accept the truth that conflict is inevitable in a meaningful relationship. You are two separate people, with two different backgrounds, life experiences, and personalities. At some point in your relationship you will disagree. While some of these disagreements may be easy to resolve, others may be more difficult. For example my husband loves lasagna and I don’t, but I know it makes him happy so I acquiesce and sometimes we have lasagna for dinner. Easy. However, deciding if we should move across the country, back to Santa Barbara knowing it would be a challenge for my husband’s East Coast based company. Hard.

The “easy” conflicts are less complicated because the joy of seeing your partner fulfilled helps you cope with the discomfort you feel from not getting your ideal situation. This works when your discomfort feels smaller than the joy you get from seeing your partner thrive. Alternatively, when your ideal scenario is not realized, the discomfort becomes greater, more difficult, and even intolerable at times. Enter scene: point of conflict. In these moments, it helps to center yourself and your partner in order to foster curiosity about the situation. This means naming your feelings and describing the situation from your perspective. Let your partner into your mind and then clearly ask for what you need. This is easier said than done. Often when describing the situation, people will fall into those destructive communication patterns mentioned above (criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, and contempt). Resist the temptation to “prove your point” as the goal is to share your world. Your partner will struggle to hear you if you are throwing daggers at them. It might feel good at the moment to get those zingers out there, but, trust me, your outcome will not be positive. It does take some self restraint in the moment to practice this, but over time it will become easier and come more naturally. Remember that changing your communication patterns takes intention and will feel like work, but you are growing. It is good practice to remain authentic throughout because this is your story and your truth.

It is helpful to be introspective and ask ourselves questions about why this situation or topic feels so important to us. Once you understand why this conflict is so important to you, you are in a better position to share with your partner. They may not understand because their own background and life experiences lead them to understand the world a little differently than us, which means we need to learn how to speak our truth clearly to them. This requires us to understand ourselves better.

During moments of conflict, it helps to foster curiosity about ourselves and wonder when and how we developed the firmly-held beliefs we are displaying: how did they form? What messages or experiences from our childhood or past have occurred that have led us to feel this way? Have they changed over time? Is there a fear or disaster scenario if our point of view isn’t honored? These are the reasons why this conflict seems so important to us.

Once both partners understand these things about each other, then it is easier to negotiate a compromise. Once you’ve settled on an agreement, treat it like an experiment. You’ve created a plan based on all the information you know about each other at the time so just see how it goes. I always like to emphasize that compromise is temporary and can be adjusted and renegotiated. As you learn more information about yourself/your partner/your household, the temporary compromise (experiment) can be adjusted and fine-tuned to arrive at a place that feels sustainable. Approaching compromise with a mindset of adaptability often allows both partners to feel more flexible and willing to try a solution. I will also emphasize that this is not a fight you should try to win as both partners are likely going to need to give a bit to reach a temporary compromise. I like to use the two categories of core needs and areas of flexibility to try and meet a partner’s needs. My pro tip is always try to make your areas of flexibility larger than your core needs because it sends the message that you are really trying to understand your partner. After creating your lists, share them with each other. Full transparency helps both of you work together on how you can get to a place that feels acceptable.

The Gottman Method conflict blueprint provides a way for conflict to foster connection. The process allows partners to learn more about one another and find a temporary compromise that honors all needs. These practices will ultimately deepen your relationship, which in turn builds trust that if a conflict arises again, your partner cares about you and will have your back. Now that feels like a relationship built for a lifetime.