Written by Lauren Turnbull, LMFT 86017

One of our basic human needs, and a crucial survival skill, is to be in community with each other. Having a community increases the likelihood we will receive support and resources when necessary. As humans, one significant way we create community is building meaningful relationships. These relationships increase our chances of survival–however as I described in my previous post, Conflict for Connection, they can also mean we will experience conflict.

Let’s back up. You’re coming to (or thinking about coming to) therapy because you want something to change. My guess is your current communication patterns aren’t serving you or your relationship. Let’s put this in context and move forward.

According to John Gottman’s research there are four communication patterns that lead to relationship dissatisfaction: criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, and contempt. As antidotes, and replacements, to these destructive communication patterns, John and his wife Julie, created the Gottman Method.

The beauty of the Gottman Method is that it’s a clearly laid out plan for how to create meaningful change and the right therapist will help tailor it to you and your partner’s needs. When initially teaching couples this method, I often hear the feedback that it feels “inauthentic to talk this way”. While I agree that it certainly feels different than your familiar speech patterns, the “what” of your message stays the same. What changes is the “how” of your delivery. This is when I encourage you to focus on the outcome of your communication. If you desire a deeper connection with your partner, if you want to find more compromise, if you want your partner to understand you better, then you need to communicate in a way that they are more likely to receive your message. 

One common pitfall I see repeatedly is using criticism to attack someone’s character rather than focusing solely on a behavior. For example, one popular refrain with couples is “you’re such a slob, you always leave your dirty dishes on the counter”. A disparity in levels of cleanliness is one of the 69% of couples’ perpetual problems–one which I will discuss in another post. Perpetual problems are as advertised. They arise repeatedly, however the good news is they don’t need to be enduring and you can learn how to communicate about them effectively, leading to a more positive outcome. 

Think through a scenario in which you ended up fighting with your partner. How did your partner react? How did you react? Often a cue that criticism is a primary communication method is both parties displaying defensiveness. It’s true that people can get defensive when you aren’t being critical, but it can be helpful to do some internal reflection and look for this cue from your partner. How do you spot defensive behavior in yourself and your partner? Defensiveness is a form of self protection where one plays the innocent victim or feels righteous indignation. For example it can be displayed with language such as “I can never do anything good enough for you, you’re complaining about the dishes this time but if I do that then you’ll find another way to criticize me”. Often a cue that you are the one being defensive is your partner expressing “that’s not what I mean” or “you’re not understanding me”. When you’re feeling defensive, you aren’t trying to understand your partner because you’re so busy protecting yourself from a perceived enemy. In these moments rather than throwing on your armor to avoid pain, try to remember that you’re on the same team–when you choose to stay vulnerable, you both win.

Now that we understand what criticism is and how it leads to defensiveness, what can we do instead? The antidote to criticism is a Soften Start Up. It goes something like this: I feel (insert emotion here) when this (name the situation–don’t describe your partner)… and what I need is (insert desired emotion, action here). For example, the previous dish scenario would sound something like, “ I feel really overwhelmed and a little grossed out when I see dirty dishes on the counter. What I need is from them to be placed in the dishwasher promptly after use”. Gottman’s research shows us that 94% of the time, the way a conversation starts predicts the way a conversation will continue, meaning if you can start a conflict softly you are more likely to be met with receptiveness.

Next, the antidote to defensiveness is Taking Partial Responsibility. This means actively seeking common ground with your partner. With the dishes example, try saying “I can see how it would be frustrating to have dirty dishes in the sink, it does make more work for the next person. Although it doesn’t bother me, I can see how it would bother you”. While you don’t need to completely agree with what your partner is saying, you do need to take responsibility for a piece of it. It shows that you care about them, even if you don’t fully understand why they need something. 

The next negative communication pattern the Gottmans identified is stonewalling. This is defined as one partner withdrawing from a conversation. For example, one person may just completely stop responding, or capitulate unhelpfully–“yes… sure… you’re right…. Ok” just to end the conversation. A clue that you’re stonewalling is convincing yourself that the conversation isn’t going anywhere or feeling like you want to escape. Stonewalling happens when one of you is physically flooded. The antidote is Taking a Good Break and self soothing. This should only be a pause, not a conversation ender. Before pausing, agree on a time and place to reunite and revisit the conversation. Remember that pausing isn’t a time to rearm yourself for battle, but a chance to partake in calming activities. Go for a walk, exercise, take a warm shower, make a cup of tea, play video games, spend time with your kids, anything that will sooth your physical self so that you can bring your best communication back with you. 

Moving on to contempt. This is defined by expressing superiority over a partner. For example, you might say something like, “the dishes are on the counter again. I guess you’re completely incapable of completing this simple task even a teenager could do.” If you’re using contempt as your primary communication method, your partner will probably respond with one of the other destructive communication patterns like defensiveness or stonewalling. Unfortunately, contempt is the primary predictor of  relationship dissatisfaction and divorce, consequently it’s the most important to address promptly and requires the heaviest antidote–rediscovering appreciation for your partner and employing the Soften Start Up technique. In the provided example, the antidote would be, “you’re so good at being present with the children and I know that takes a lot of your focus but I still struggle with frustration when I see the dirty dishes left on the counter. I really need continued effort and attention to build this habit”. When you foster and demonstrate gratitude for your partner’s strengths, you bolster friendship levels in your relationship. 

This is a lot of new information to digest. Hopefully it helps you organize, or at least better understand, patterns that may have developed in your relationship. Once you are aware about what’s happening, it becomes easier to identify it in the moment. This is when the magic happens and your Point Of Choice presents itself. You can choose to continue the same patterns that brought you here… OR… you can choose to try something different (like the antidotes!). This is when therapy can be extremely helpful. As a therapist, I use sessions to find the real moments couples engage in the destructive patterns described as happening at home. This allows me to bring attention to them in the moment and offer the Point of Choice as an alternative. Change will happen more often in the therapy room because you’re in an environment that supports  awareness and helps explore different choices that are a better fit. Over time, the skills strengthen and you’ll be able to practice them in your own home. It seems contrary, but my favorite part of being a therapist is when we reduce our sessions because it’s a sign you don’t need me anymore. You’ve done the hard work! Well done! You’ve developed lifelong skills you can use to build a happy relationship!